The Heart Wants What It Wants
by flowerpotletmerot
Summary: Do not own any of the characters, they belong to Cassandra Clare. Not completely sure where this story is headed but I really want to elaborate on my view of these characters, so it's going to be a really long story. Rated M just in case. Some unusual pairings, will just have to read. xxxx
1. The Beginning

**Jessamine**

Holding his hand, walking through the school corridors, Jessamine thought herself lucky, like she should be the happiest girl in the world. She was beautiful, with her blonde hair and soft brown eyes, popular and she wasn't as mean as everyone thought she ought to be. She should be happy, oh so happy. But she wasn't, not in the slightest.

"Jess, are you okay babe", Jace Herondale, Jessamine's current boyfriend asked. She looked up at him, seeing the love in his eyes, her heart ached as she tried matching her expression to his. "Yeah Jace, just have a lot of school work to do, it's just taking over my mind, you know?" she lied. The truth was, Jessamine had little homework to do, she'd done it all already, hoping to distract herself from the truth reality held. Anything was better than thinking, anything. Jace smiled, believing her lie. "Okay, well you know you can talk to me about anything yeah?" he said kindly. She nodded her head, kissed his cheek and said goodbye, heading off to the toilet.

Jace was a good guy, a golden boy really, his eyes and hair reminding her of the lion out of Narnia. Alan? Asan? Aslam? Whatever the name, Jace was a beauty if there was one but he wasn't the beauty Jessamine wanted, not even close.

She continued walking; trying to pass the classroom she knew he was in. Her hand itched for the door and she looked around to make sure no one was looking. Seeing the coast was clear, she walked back a few steps, up to the forbidden door. She peeped through the small window, hoping he was in there but also scared at what would happen if he was. After a few seconds of just empty chairs and desks, Jessamine noticed him, his back to her, writing on the black board. He had blonde hair, not Jace's golden type of blonde but a softer, whiter blonde. His stance was straight, his shoulder broad. Jessamine couldn't stop staring.

"Jessamine?" someone asked behind her, causing her to jump. She recognized the voice. Isabelle Lightwood, the head socialite at New York Academy, one of her best friends, also basically, Jace's sister. Turning around to face those curious dark brown eyes, Jessamine held her breath, hoping Isabelle wouldn't ask why she was standing in a corridor, alone, looking into an apparently empty classroom. "Isabelle, hey", Jessamine said nervously, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. Isabelle looked suspicious but seemed to get that Jessamine wasn't inclined to talk about what she was doing, so she went for a different topic of conversation. "Are you excited for Homecoming? I know it's over a month away but I've already started planning it and the tickets will be on sale in a week or two and I'm so excited, I was thinking dark green for my dress this time around, how about you jess?", she asked expectantly.

If Jessamine was completely honest with Isabelle, she would have said she hadn't even thought about it yet, having too much already taking up her mind. But this was Isabelle and she was staring with obvious anticipation and she couldn't bring herself to let her down. "I was thinking blue maybe?" she said, more as a question than a statement. Isabelle raised her left eyebrow but only said, "blue would look great on you Jessie, and you and Jace, together, you're going to both look so good!" she said encouragingly. Jessamine put on her best smile, replying with a thanks, before saying that she needed to go to the bathroom, stating she'd see Isabelle at lunch. She walked away with a guilty feeling in her stomach, what was she getting herself into?

 **Isabelle**

Isabelle watched after Jessamine in wonder, she was acting so weird today. Neither of them would be in a hurry to get anywhere, they both had a free period as their science teacher, Mr. Mortmain, was away. Thank God for that, Isabelle thought, she hated that scum of a teacher. She looked around and noticed she was still in the same place, at the same door Jessamine had been staring into. I really shouldn't do this, Isabelle thought but she was worried about Jessie and curiosity was getting the better of her.

She walked up to the door, trying to be as quiet as she could and glanced inside. She saw no one at first, the class seemingly appeared empty. She heard the drop of what sounded like an eraser and looked over towards the front of the room, where Mr. Gray, Isabelle's history teacher, was obviously preparing for his next lesson. Isabelle moved away from the door, trying to work out Jessamine's curiosity with Mr. Gray. Was she trying to see what was on the board so she could get a head start? No, that sounded ridiculous. Jessie was one of the smartest people she knew, having already done all her homework she'd been given. There was no way she'd need a head start and Jessie wasn't shy, if she wanted to ask Mr. Gray a question, she'd just go and do it.

Walking away from the door, Isabelle's confusion only grew but she knew she couldn't ask Jessamine about it because she'd be furious at Isabelle for snooping. Isabelle couldn't blame her for that, Isabelle would be angry at Isabelle for snooping. She'd just have to let it drop for now and see if anything strange happened.

She headed into the library, a huge room shaped as a hexagon, it's main source of light streaming in from the top windows, full of the sun. She would never admit it, but this was one of Isabelle's favorite places to be, even outside of school. The library had comfy chairs strewn all over the place so you could choose to socialize or just sit by yourself to study or read. The collection of books seemed never ending and you couldn't help but glance around in awe.

Isabelle saw a spot near a window in the middle of the library that was unoccupied and headed towards it. She was in her own world, too absorbed in admiring the library and its magnificence to notice another student coming the same way she was, for the same chair. It seemed the other person was oblivious too, as they both kept walking on a collision course with each other. They ran into each other, Isabelle coping most of the wrath and ending up on the floor.

She was confused for a moment before anger and embarrassment seeped in. All she wanted was to sit down and relax but no, not for Isabelle Lightwood, there was always something happening in her life. She looked up and noticed the person she'd run into was Simon Lewis, a kid in her grade. He was actually really nice from what she'd seen and looking up into his brown eyes, covered by his oversized glasses, she couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. The wrath of Isabelle lightwood wasn't an easy one to escape.

Simon was throwing her countless apologies, offering her his hand to help her up but she refused to take it. She stood up, thankful for deciding to wear jeans today and gave Simon her coldest look, which stopped his rambling. "I don't want your apologies. Just watch where you're going next time okay?", she said levelly and began to walk away. As she did, Simon called out "you better watch out where you're going to next time too, some people aren't forgiving as me Lightwood", he said confidently. She turned back around to see him smirking at her. Simon Lewis, smirking? The guy had guts, she'd admit that and he was immune, it seemed, to her good looks.

She gave him a scowl before continuing to walk away. When she got out of the library, she headed for the toilets to fix herself up but she couldn't help smiling. Simon Lewis, she thought and she knew she was in trouble but honestly, she didn't really care. That brown haired boy didn't even know what was coming his way.

 **Simon**

Simon watched Isabelle walk away. She sure was gorgeous but she was also trouble and Simon knew better than to get involved in Isabelle drama. He took the seat they'd both been contending for and opened the book he intended to read. Usually he'd have Clary here with him, helping him read, as Simon had a lot of trouble with these Anime books, they always confused him.

He tried anyway but after the fifth page in, he gave up. It just wasn't the same without Clary. The thought of her made his heart ache, he desperately missed her and he thought he'd done something wrong, with her initially not responding to any of his calls or texts. He then decided to go over her house and see what the deal was, not at all expecting the outcome he got.

Simon was met with Jocelyn, Clary's mum. She told Simon honestly that Clary had, had a mental breakdown. She'd overdosed on her anti-depressants and ran away and was now in New York State Psychiatric Institute, trying to get better. She was allowed visitors but Clary hadn't even let her own brother, Jonathan see her and Simon doubted she'd want to see him. She always suffered in silence, which was one of her biggest flaws, Simon thought.

Jocelyn had offered him inside and he accepted, needing to sit down, trying to absorb this information and control his emotions in relation to it. Jonathan, Clary's brother, usually so happy and full of wit, was looking down at what appeared to be his dinner. This was scary to Simon, Jonathan was never quiet, his shoulders never slumped. He glanced up when he heard Simon's footsteps and gave him a smile that wasn't quite all there, looking back down at his bowl.

Simon couldn't stand being in the same room as a depressed Jonathan, so he went into the lounge and took a seat on their comfy blue sofa. He couldn't believe what had happened, he couldn't believe he hadn't seen the signs, the signs that now seemed very obvious. Clary had been so quiet, so withdrawn and her drawings she had started hiding from him, saying they were too personal. He now knew just how personal they must've been.

The bell rang, snapping Simon out of his deep thoughts, insisting he go to class. As he did though he passed Jonathan, surrounded by his group of friends, all laughing and joking. Jonathan's mouth said he was happy but if you looked into his eyes you could see the pain within. They made eye contact and Jonathan just nodded his head and looked away. Simon kept on his way to class, not being able to stop worry seeping in for the older Morgenstern. He was surrounded by all these people but anyone looking close enough could see he had no one. Clary had probably felt the same and look where that ended her up at.

Simon made a vow then, for Clary, for his conscience and for Jonathan himself that he would watch over the older Morgenstern. He knew Jonathan would never admit it but he needed help, he needed to talk about what happened to Clary and at this moment, Simon seemed like the only person outside of his family who knew about it. He was not going to end up with the same fate as Clary, he couldn't, and Simon would make sure of it.


	2. The Ward

**Chapter 2**

 **Clary**

She'd been staring at the wall. That's all she'd been doing all day. You'd think these mental wards would have things to do to distract people from their thoughts but no, Clary thought, it was worse in here than out in the 'real' world. She was waiting until three, when she'd finally be able to go into her room, where she didn't have to awkwardly sit with other patients who, she was sure, felt the same about her. Putting messed up people together hardly seems a logical thing to do, considering they'd all just encourage each other's thoughts and actions anyway. Well not in all cases, Clary wouldn't but some of these people were ruthless towards the other people in here.

Take the other day for example. One girl, Kayla, was caught in the bathroom, self-harming and this young boy Nathan was boasting about how he had given her the blade to do it. What kind of twisted person would be proud of that? And not only that, he lied about it too. It's one thing to actually do it; it's another to lie about doing something that horrible.

Clary shuddered at the memory. Kayla had, had at least thirty cuts on each arm and her jacket was soaked with blood from trying to hide it. Clary had known about the blades the girl had, she didn't approve and tried to stop her using them but obviously couldn't help her, like she couldn't help anyone else here, like she couldn't even help herself.

A sad pang went through her. Being here, not being able to help these people just made her heart ache. She wanted to so badly, some of these people were honestly the nicest people you would ever meet, they were just not well. And people judged them for it. Someone breaks their arm and ends up in hospital, it's okay. But god forbid someone have a breakdown and end up in hospital, it's ridiculously taboo.

Ten more minutes passed as Clary continued to dive deeper and deeper into her own depressing thoughts, until suddenly she was interrupted by the sound of the front doors opening. The doorbell hadn't ringed, meaning there was a new patient coming through, rather than a visitor. Clary strained her neck to see who the poor soul was, gasping at what she saw.

It was a boy, very thin and frail looking, with his brown hair and brown eyes, beautiful in a way most boys were not. He looked to be of Asian descent. He didn't look at anyone as he was guided into this place, keeping his eyes on the ground. He sat the furthest away he could from anyone else, on the floor opposite clary, up against the wall. He leant his head back and closed his eyes, his intentions to keep to himself clear.

Clary thought she should stop staring but she couldn't. He was so interesting and being an artist, all she wanted to do was sketch him. His delicate features would look beautiful on a page, Clary thought. She decided, against her better judgement that she was going to draw him. She still had just over an hour until she could go into her room and looking at the wall wasn't making the time go faster.

She asked the nurse supervising for a piece of paper and a pencil and reluctantly she got it for her. Clary knew asking could've gone either way, you got some good and bad nurses and although this one seemed unsure of herself, she did seem to care about the patients a whole lot.

"Here you go darling, do you mind if I just watch you? The pencil could be used as a weapon is all." the nurse said kindly. She was looking at me with a sorry expression, like she knew what she'd asked was a bit ridiculous but clary nodded none the less; she understood the precautions put in place, some of the people in here really wanted out of life.

She looked up at the new comer again and really observed him, deciding to start with his face and work her way down. She started to sketch and about half an hour in, she'd already done his face. "You're very good", said the nurse, making clary jump. She'd forgotten the nurse had been watching and suddenly felt very self-conscious about her work, knowing it was far from her best. Clary muttered quick thanks and continued working on her picture. By the time three came around, the picture was almost done, Clary just needing to finish the boy's hands.

As the nurses opened the two doors that lead to everybody's rooms, Clary saw the boy she was sketching stand up to follow, obviously wanting a more comfortable resting place then he had previously. She decided on giving him the sketch, hoping to make him more comfortable with being here. She quickly walked over to him and tapped his shoulder, making him face towards her. "Hey", Clary said nervously, "I hope you don't mind but I did this sketch of you while you were, uh, sleeping and I was wondering if you'd want it? I haven't finished the hands but everything else is just about done". He smiled at her, nodding his head and took the picture out of Clary's hands. He turned to walk away and saw that the nod was all the thanks she was going to get. She didn't mind though, he'd taken her picture and not ripped it, so that was a success right?

She continued to her bedroom, opening the door and allowing herself to collapse onto the bed. Doing nothing really exhausted a person. She thought of the boy, who seemed kind and hoped she would be able to help him, even if she couldn't help herself. She thought back to a few years ago, where her troubles had all began, the sound of a gun, his cry on impact. Clary shuddered, no, she thought; this will not help me get better.

She decided to try and take a nap. She didn't mind if she missed dinner, that wasn't new to her anyway and she just needed to escape life for a little while. She closed her eyes and after what seemed like a lifetime, she finally started to drift off, a million thoughts continuing to race through her mind as she did so.

 **Jem**

Jem sat staring at the bare walls of his hospital room, still holding onto the picture the small red headed girl had drawn for him. It was a kind thing to do, he thought, for her to try to make him feel comfortable but it was something he didn't deserve.

He folded the picture up, Jem looked far too celestial in the picture and he felt that it didn't reflect who he really was, which just made him feel worse. He got up, put it on the small, light brown desk that was included in the room and looked up to the dodgy mirror he was facing. He looked thin, so thin and so pale. One mistake he'd made had done this; one night had ruined his nights after. But he would try, he promised himself, to get better.

"Dinner", he heard the nurses shout. He thought he'd better eat, regardless of the disgust he felt at the idea. He looked away from the person he hated, and opened the door, walking in the direction he'd come from before. They hadn't exactly given him a tour of the place, as they seemed surprised at his arrival in any case; they mustn't have been expecting him. So he didn't know where the dining room was. The best he could do was go back to the place he was before and wait. Who knows, maybe he'd see the nice red head again.

As he entered the room, he saw he wasn't the only one waiting for instructions as to where to go. There was a young boy, about twelve, Jem would've guessed, who had brown hair and grey eyes and glasses. His glasses made him look even younger than he probably was though, Jem suspected. Jem felt an ache of sympathy for the boy, he was so young and in a place like this. He decided to walk over to him, deciding he couldn't just leave him alone.

The young boy seemed to notice his approach and stepped back, obviously frightened. Jem stopped and smiled. "It's alright; I'm not going to hurt you. I just wanted to know your name" he said as kindly as he could muster. He knew you had to be careful with the people inside here; they were all delicate as dandelions. The young boy still looked suspicious but nodded his head to say he'd understood what Jem had said.

Jem took that as an indication to take a careful step forward, to see how the younger boy reacted. He didn't step back this time, which was a good sign for Jem and he took a few more steps over to finally reach the boy. "My name's Jem, well its James but everyone calls me Jem. What's yours?" he questioned. The boy looked up at Jem, pained, like he wanted to talk but couldn't. Jem just nodded his head as if to say he understood, if the boy didn't want to tell him his name he wouldn't push it.

"What are you two still doing in here, it's dinner time", said a different nurse than the one from before. My body turned to face her and what faced me was a very mean looking woman, with dark hair and even darker eyes. She looked like the type of person to put poison in your dinner, which turned Jem off wanting to eat even more. Her tone seemed to match her scowl, so neither Jem nor the boy seemed inclined to say anything to this ghastly lady. Way to frighten people in a mental ward, Jem thought.

"Can either of you talk? I asked a question", she asked rather sharply. As both of us continued to stare, keeping silent, her anger rose, so much so she looked like she wanted to hit us. "Lilith", a soft voice called, causing the nurse to turn "what's all the shouting for". Lilith turned back around and rolled her eyes. "I wasn't shouting Charlotte, I was merely asking these two patients why they weren't yet at dinner", Lilith replied condescendingly.

Behind Lilith came out a small woman, who looked very young. She had thick dark brown hair and brown eyes, with a kind face. She smiled at the sight of the two boys; making Jem feel the most comfortable he'd been since arriving at the ward. "These patients are the two new arrivals I was telling you about, remember, James and Max?" Charlotte said factually. Lilith's expression changed into an annoyed one; probably because she couldn't get them into trouble, Jem thought. "Right Charlotte, my mistake. I'm going on break now; I assume you can take these two to the dinner room?" Lilith replied. "Not a problem, you go", Charlotte responded.

When Lilith had completely walked off, charlotte allowed herself to relax a little. "Worry about her", she said nicely, "She's always like that, even to her co-workers, even to her boss". She said it a little bitterly and Jem couldn't help asking "But isn't she the boss? I mean the way she acts", Jem trailed off. He didn't think it polite to elaborate on the way he thought she acted. Charlotte looked at him, with an almost smirk on her face. "No darling, I'm the boss, Lilith just likes to pretend she is because it makes her feel better and most of the time I let her because it's easier. But I'll be damned if I let her continue to talk to you the way she was. Now come on boys, lets go to dinner shall we?" she asked. Both the boys nodded and started to follow the small nurse down the small corridor. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, Jem thought, watching the nurse in front. He glanced to the boy on his right and he glanced back, smiling. Yes, Jem thought again, maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all.


End file.
